


The Boy Who Lived and The Little Bitch

by ariamarguerite (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Inaccurate Timeline, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 22:16:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/970913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ariamarguerite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack fiction based on the what-if question of "What if Harry and Draco had shaken hands on the train?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Boy Who Lived and The Little Bitch

**Author's Note:**

> So many things non-canon it's hard to handle. I am aware of almost every error, don't fret.

Knock, knock, knock.  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione look up from their conversation as a blond  
boy in their year with aristocratic features slides open the door to  
the compartment. Behind him are two heavily-built asshats with the  
attention spans of flies.  
"Hi, Potter, what's up?" the blond kid asked.  
"Yo yo, I'm lovin this wizard stuff," replied Harry.  
“Let's be buds and shake hands."  
"Yeah, I don't know, you look like a little bitch."  
"Harry, don't shake his hand!" Hermione jumped up onto her seat and  
made that exclamation.  
Blondy snorted, cackled, and sneezed. "Potter, your new 'friends' are  
mud bloods and blood traitors. They are practically animals, I mean  
just look at them." Harry glanced at Ron, who was using his rat as an ear cleaner, and Hermione, who was about to burst into tears as she stood on the seat. Harry turned back to blond face and shrugged.  
"Idgaf." He began to stand up so he could reach Weirdo's outstretched hand.  
"WAIT!" Ron placed his rat next to him on the seat and directed his gaze onto Harry's face. "I don't know many things, but I agree with Hermioninnie-" "Hermione." "Whatever. Don't trust blond bitch, you might get cooties. Besides, you should stick with us, you haven't even met Ginny yet."  
"What?" Questioned Harry.  
"Your future wife."  
"Oh," Harry nodded and made a vague sound of agreement, his eyes on Ron's rat. "That is an ugly dog."  
"Harry, please don't do the thing, I have a feeling that he's a bad guy," Hermione practically whispered into the silent compartment thing.  
Harry jumped up in anger instantly. "I am furious for no reason and will now procede to make stupid decisions and act on them without considering consequences! NO ONE TELLS HARRY POTTER WHAT TO DO! BEYOTCH!" Harry stared straight at Hermione as he groped around the air in front of him, eventually grabbing blond guy's hand. Hermione met Harry's gaze with a look of horror on her face, neither of them breaking eye contact.  
"Hi, how ya do, I'm Harry freaking Potter," Harry proclaimed loudly to the wizard in sparkly cloaks.  
"I'm Draco Malfoy and I'm extremely rich," said the blond bitch who's name was just revealed to be Draco.  
"Really? Me too!" Harry and Draco laughed and bonded over their mutual rich backgrounds. Ron wiped tears off of his face with his ugly rat.  
Harry turned back to Hermione, "See, HermyO'Neil? Nothing bad is happening," He then noticed he and Draco were still shaking hands, "Hey Draco, you can let go anytime now, I think we've proved our point." Draco's grip tighted.  
"Hey, before I forget, do you want to be a Death Eater?" Draco asked with fake politeness.  
Harry ignored Ron and Hermione, who were struggling with what seemed to be invisible ropes. Stupid mimes. "Is that like a member of a food club or something?"  
"Sure, something like that. The benefits are awe-inspiring." Draco's eyes were still completely blank, that fucking creep.  
Harry made a noncommittal sound of agreement as he tried to free his hand from Draco's. Suddenly Draco squeezed so tightly that Harry's glasses exploded. Harry looked up and met Draco's blurry and obviously not evil gaze, not noticing that one of the fat kids in the background had pulled out his wand.  
"Harry, you have to say that you agree to be a Death Eater. It's part of the club rules." If Harry could see more clearly, he would have noticed that Draco still had no emotions on his face. Ron fell off the bench and rolled out a hole in the wall that had magically formed.  
"Yeah, sure, I'll be a Death Eater and join your club thing. Will there be pizza?"  
"Maybe." As Draco spoke a thin strand of magic ribbon streamed out of Fatty's wand and wrapped itself around Harry and Draco's hands. It tied a double helix triple knotted bow tie. Only when it vanished completely did Draco release his grip. Harry turned toward Ron and Hermione with a questioning glance only to see Ron missing, a hole in the wall, the toe of a rat on the seat, and Hermione huddled in the corner with her face frozen in shock.  
Echoing footsteps came from the end of the hallway, slowly moving towards their compartment. Harry and Draco played Patty Cake while they waited. Eventually an old, tall, pale guy with no fucking nose walked in.  
"Nice job little douche, here's a cookie."  
Bald snake face and Draco fist bumped and Draco was given a cookie. Draco squealed in glee and sat down to munch on his cookie. Both fat kids behind Draco had a lone tear rolling down each of their faces.  
Old guy turned to Harry. "Ey I killed yo parents and tried to kill you but I died instead except I didn't and I was a ghost thing which sucked and then I was on the back of some guy's head but now I'm A-OK but I'm evil so you just been tricked, son." He laughed evilly.  
Harry smirked or something, idk. "Actually I had my fingers crossed so YOU'VE been tricked!"  
Snake face and Harry argued like that until they arrived at Hogwarts. Halfway there Draco had finished his cookie so he released Hermione and they argued politics.  
"I agreed to be in a cooking club, so either relinquish your evil ways and start a cooking group or the vow is void!" Harry smiled proudly; he knew he had won.  
"Fine, you win this time, but I'll get you someday!" White face turned into a swarm of wasps and flew out the hole that was still in the wall. Draco scowled at Harry.  
"He's gonna be pissed and it's all your fault," Draco muttered angrily.  
"So, we still bros?" Harry asked.  
"Yeah."  
Harry and Draco performed an intricate high-five. They pointed gun fingers at each other as Draco moonwalked out of the compartment. Ice fucking cold, Draco.  
Hermione and Harry glared at each other for a minute before laughing. Ron rolled back in through the hole: he was snagged on a broken piece of wall and was dragged the whole ride. He held up wasp guy's wallet and they pocketed the money and credit cards. Harry, Ron, and Hermione locked elbows and skipped to Hogwarts together. Idfk what happened next; maybe they went to get drunk on butter beer with No-Nose's cash.  
The end.


End file.
